Dreamily

Exactly one week ago, i had a lost of control of myself, and since then, my feelings were hard to understand…

It started with just a novel from the library. As you see, it was not borrowed by moi. It belonged to a friend’s friend.. And it was long overdue… Somehow the novel ended in my hands. I was supposed to return to my friend so that she could return to her friend.

But things did not work out tat way, for the whole of 3 days which i wanna meet up with her n her friends, i was working late.. when i reached office, it was early in the morning .. when i left office.. most of singaporean were sound alseep.. thus that’s how i wasnt able to catch up with my friends. then I asked my parent to help me return. But somehow, my parent had a changed of plan.. In the end i wasnt able to return the novel. That was 2 sat ago.. I recieved smses from this friend of mine. But due to the timing i recieved it, i wasnt able to reply back cos i was having my long-waited crabby dinner.

I keyed the whole sms, telling her how come.. but the moment my crabby came.. all was forgotten.. My Fault. cos after the whole incident, then i realised that my sms wasnt sent out.. No point of giving excuses.

However what frustrated me was the sillyness of wat my friend’s friend did.. First, she called me.. but i wasnt able to hear my phone rang.. thus when i returned her call, asking who called (since it was not a registered no), going thru all the craps of being polite. The reply i got, well, was just ‘nobody called you’ Fine, perhaps that’s a wrong no.. Which i can fully understand.. cos i often wanna call my colleague but somehow, a no was dialled wrong..

So, ignoring it, i went on my way.. It was supposed to be a happy outing with my god-daughter n family. Yet we were all bitten by sandflies and jellyfish..

Then came the sms.. from the same no. that’s when things started to boil for me. In short, the msg was that, ‘if she dun see the novel to be returned by so and so, i would kept it so she would report as lost, then she would deduct the money from my friend (as i paid in advance for some stuff we got).’

I was so pissed off.. In wat way could she do such a thing.. if she wan take money from me, she should come to me directly instead of going thru the roundabouts! Then why should she said that nobody called when i return the call? Even if she was anxious abt the novel, must she hide behind my friend back and do such a stuff??

This is a case of nobody’s fault and everyone fault. that sat nite, i returned the novel to the library. As it was auto, sometime the books might slipped thru the first scanning.. so how come she cant be patient to wait for the second scanning to see if the novel had been return?

I had once return a novel yet in the end, i have to pay a fine.. cos somehow the book was lost.. thus.. wat can i do oso.. since the data wasnt captured?!

I am a person who is slow to boil (in anger) but once i reached the boiling point, things will turn ugly.. Which it did in this case.

I wont take such a crap from a stranger.. Even when i was ard with this fellow, i smiled and greet her at times.. which she would then return the greeting.. nver would she even smiled at me.. Fine, diff person behave differently.

Thus, I feedback to my friend. When i was in anger.. that was bad of me! Cos sometimes in anger, u tends to say things in a harsher tone…

In the end… with smses to n fro.. and i know somehow, my frien, being caught in the middle oso dunno wat to do to..

Now, things are in a standstill.. cos i cant go and see my friend, cos by doing so, i will see her friend. I wanna sms her or to call her.. but dunno where to start. nor do i know how to start.. that’s the worse of it..

Imagine becos of someone whom u are not close with, is the cause of something serious.

Perhaps it is the lack of communication skills towards one person to the other or it is the way one expects the society to behave.

I am the type that a ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ will solve 99% of the problems.. The ‘old-school’ type.. one who expect gentlemen to open doors, etc.. I’m not weak, and in my nature of industry, nasty words are very common.. So in this situation, i felt queasy, felt being threatened, felt being taking advantage of.. so i take care of myself, i feedback to my friend.

Am i in the wrong? or the words i used was too strong? or should i silently take wat others throws at me?

Everyone has their own stress and have their own method to release stress.. but is it okay for them to release their own stress upon others? or should they use certain means to make others do things in the way they prefer?

IF so, how can our society be more graceful? be more friendly?

How many of us have moved forward? Without looking back or comparing history?

How has the past form us? or has the past crippled us? How can we be strong while facing problems? Problems which comes from all different colors, sound and scents?

We have to place our burdens down occasionally so that we can rest for awhile. Or at times, the burdens can be shoulder by our loved ones and friends.

We are humans, not machines. We feel, we think, we forecast, we anticipate. But most of all, we use our hearts. That wat make us different. We have emotions.

And these emotions make us do silly things. Things that our brains told us that it’s not possible. But we keep on hoping. Yet are we decieving ourselves? Hoping things will turn out as we wish them to be? Or should we face reality? The reality of giving up hopes and dreams? The ideal partner? The dream home/car?

Wat are important? The relationship between friends or the material wants?

Have we come to the point tat we hve become greedy and cant be satisfy with the simples needs and wants?

Has the past make us this way? or the surrounding enivornment form us in this position? Who can be sure of their important wants and needs?

Are the past or the past events make us unable to move forward? To struck in the same positions? That have frozen us in the same spot?

When is the right time to get go and move forward? Wat if by moving forward, and the immediated event we have been holding on to, has change its circumstances and went into a bright light? Are we going to curse ourselves for not having enough faith for holding on or will we be hoping for a brighter light at the end of the tunnel?

To perserve or not? To let it go or not?

‘flying a kite is to know when to let loose and when to tighten’ But only when we learn, then could we know how to let loose n tighten. But are we going to take the chance and learn the exprience?

How many of you females for the sake of beauty goes under the knife, the jabs, the diet and all sorts of other stuffs.. Just to look beautiful

Does the beauty (handsome) means so much these days? When were the days which one goes for inner beauty? Does one appearance that important that we have forgotten to look inside their skin?

I has a friend go went for some treatment, which will make her look like she has sunburnt all over her face for a couple of days. And will having that, she has to endure discomforts too. Should we do such a thing to ourselves?? She is already a pretty lady with long hair, fair and smooth skin.  She’s like a fire which attaches the moths or bees to her.. (Oh no.. all flocked to her.. nothing left liao.. :=P)

Then again i has friends who go on diets, all sort of diets.. from straving, to taking supplements to extreme workouts.. I have seen them losing weights. But the effects is short term.. And most of them are not plump at all. They are just average u and me. Why would they do such a thing? Although i have tried a diet before, i had given up 1/3 of the course.. for one, i cant resist the real food (including chocolates) nor can i take the responsiblity to make my health poor. Thus the best way is to do moderate sports and eating healthy. There are times i do feast alot, but have cut down.

Just last sunday, there was an incident. (A friend of mine witness the whole situation) I was tied my sandal’s laces. Thus while bending down to get them tied properly, there was a group of Angmos walking past me.. which i dun even notice! They were looking at me tying laces with their mouths open, but when they walk past me they were shaking their heads…

Yes.. for all those who know.. i dun have a butt.. :=P so in this case, should i ‘fatten” up my butt?? or ….

However that’s not my dismay.. the worst part of myself which i dislike is my tummy.. cos no matter wat i did, i cant get rid of it. so should i go and suck them out with some beauty saloon, clinic.. etc? BUT the fact is, that’s me! i am living with it. not really bothered by people who said too much..

Others may said this, said that.. But in the end, perhaps, I could only say that we are our own worst enemies. We must love ourselves. That’s more important!

5 years ago, I celebrated my first Halloween.. and this year, i celebrated it again.

5 years ago, i started something. and tis year, it is time to let them loose. Can i do that?

There were ghosts that I had been carrying it for 5 years.. And it seems like yesterday. That nite was the first date, the beginning. For a year, things were smooth-sailing then came the heartbroken period.

From the heartbroken period to now, the ghosts still lingered. I thought they had gone to rest. But no. They were around. This time, it is to let the memories, especially the memories to die.

It was very silly of me to hold on to the memories, thinking the sweetness of them will make me happy. However the downside of it was that i was not able to let go of the ghosts completely. To let them rest, i must not thinking of the memories even. Would that make me more empty?

During this period, there were more ghosts. Even i did lead a happy times, it could be even better.. But i had grown.. grown stronger, wiser.

How many of you have ghosts in your cupboard, hearts, etc?? have you ever let them go completely. and start afresh?

Has the exprience make you wary of being caught in the same situation? Have you ever make the same mistakes again and again? Is the mistake worth making?

And the funny thing is that 5 years ago, I went for a holiday in Phuket. And today, i am planning a trip over again.. Both dates falls on the same period when i went 5 years back. Is everything fated? Or is this the end of the ghost? Is it a new beginning? Or would i bump onto a few ghosts over there? Will i be frightened to face the ghosts or will i be so strong that nothing will bring me down?

In this century, we can’t live without our mobile phones.. On the other hand, we cant live with it too…

Imagine, when your mobile phone breakdown, stolen, lost, etc.. you are in a lost world. A world which you are out of connection with loved ones, family, friends, etc.. You are afraid that someone might just called up while you are unconnectable. Important calls would be missed and opportunities were lost. Datas and contacts numbers are lost too.. You have to start to gather the lost information.. Letting friends know that your phone is lost, asking them to relay the msg all over the world so that one of the days, all the datas are retrieved. Or for the hardworking ones, they will store a backup somewhere. (I am the lazy one.. once my phone was stolen, i just gonna wait for my friends to call/sms me.. then  i had to repeat myself slightly more than a hundred times why their no. were no stored in my mobile, … ) ;=P Been thru the exprience should had taught me a lesson, yet, i dun backup my mobile, thinking it was indestructable..

One day, the one of the mobile which datas were kept died on me!! Cos i was too hard on it.. :p letting it getting knocks everywhere. Thus, the cycle of getting just the mobile nos of friends started again. This time round, with the help of MSN Messenger, i managed not to repeat myself too much.. haha.. just a posting of the header on MSN will do most of the job.

That’s how important mobile and IT are to us. The people of the modern world.

How different was it during the days with only telephones back then.. waiting for calls, we had to stay at home. During those periods, i was home-bound, or maybe i was too young to hang out too much.. :p Nevetheless, i was at friends’ place more often than not.

Then it came the era of PAGERS!! there were friends of mine whom envied me carrying one before it became common. BUT guess wat, it was my parents’ way of tracking my movement. That is the beginning of mobile communication but the end of freedom.

Then NOW, the freedom is almost gone. A phone call away, people know where you are, what you doing, etc… The freedom of being alone.. There are times when a person wish to be alone, dun have to speak to anyone, UNCONTACTABLE. But this era is gone. Unless you dont intent to answer to the call but by not answer the call, later in the day, you still have to return the call, rite? Or the smses..

Once again, imagine this situation, there are unknown no. or no. that are not familiar to you. Wat are the percentage of answering the call? Especially when the mobile are closely related to our career?

Recently, i had been recieving such calls/smses. Guess wat? Politely questioning the other party for information, they were trying to be funny. Asking who are they and where they are from, have you ever gotten answer like "I am stranger" or some names that you have never ever heard before? Well, not only that, they could ask you back "where are you staying". For me, to this extend, i think i am entertaining these people enough, i would angrily told them off, not to call or sms me again!

Did anyone playing a plank?  Did anyone keying any no. just to call the other party? Or someone taking revenge?

Why would i said such a stuff?? Well, one of the conversation i once had with a taxi driver, he told me that for most of the passengers whom placed a booking but failed to turn up, etc.. they would passed these no. around to their other colleagues drivers, especially those who drove at night. Then the plank calls would start.. So readers, just take note of this!!

The other lost of freedom is that when you are working, it is the interruption which they caused. One could be rushing for deadlines, but phones calls will still be coming in, whether you are in office or out for appointments, etc..

Althought those are the cons, there are pros too.

Wat if you are in other countries, and you need to call back home for assistance? that is fastest way to get help. Or should you miss some one? I have missed a friend so much that i almost called. The urge was great but somehow, it was not possible due to the time differences. Neither should i wake anyone up in the middle of the night.

The modern world of ours. Would you prefer the simple world of the past or this one?

As of my heading, my dear Jacq, now u can see wat happened to moi..

The before was when i permed my hair.. kekeke.. except for my mum and some of my colleagues, the rest of my friends, especially the male ones.. said that i look like aunty.. kekek.

Think so?? perhaps, but then again.. i liked the way it teased my face.. the curls.. maybe the next time if i perm it again.. (although i said i will never perm it again) i will do a gentle perm.. as wave.. then agian i gonna see how.. hahaha

Now with the reborning of my hair.. ehmmm. i cant afford to go and learn my swimming strokes much i would like to.. kekeke. then again, my mum dun like this look, she prefer my curls. and my boss said tat my head is so flat.. told me not to see him until it get better.. :=S OMG.. wat to do.. cant please everyone, so i will pleased only myself..

Anyway, the thing is that, the nite before the reborning.. was at friend’s place.. toking and toking.. so much things were discussed.. and nothing is much solved.. all are toking on the paper.. but all depends on the outcomes of events will we be able to make decisions! N i have made some decision.. for those who wanna know.. just dreams on first.. kekeke.

the other things that happened last weekend.. ehmmm .. was so interesting..

As i mentioned, there are many first times tat happened to me… the other one is that someone asked me to bathe together.. kekeke.. when i was offered that suggestion.. my mind went totally blank.. perhaps it was becos we were playing so hard and bonding together so much. that it was so natural that the question was popped out..

Well, i had bathe babies before.. but i have never bathe with a young kid before!! imagine the question they ask.. haha… who to answer.. ehmmm.. think abt it, especially those who have yet has kids.. time to be prepared to  answer the bees and birds.. Dun get fluster like moi hor..

The other first was that i am going to HongKong soon!! less than 36hrs!! yipee.. kekeke.. That, i’ll updated once i am back.. hopefully i wont gain too much weight.. hopefully all the shopping and walking… not the eating.. kekeke..

Well, i should not have said lonely.. just that the timing of us catching up with each other are rather limited… we are countries apart….

Things are such as, when you have it, u wont take time to catch up.. then suddenly, when things settled down.. have the time to catch up but the other party is not there anymore…

I had spent lots of my waking hours at work.. even when i am out with friends, i am worrying abt work too.. this i need to let go.. learn how to relax.. time for me to catch up with friends.. and then i realised.. they are all busy with other people, other stuff..

The path is wat i have chosen… it is wat i should not regret.. or i should make adjustments to make it a better one..

Treasuring the past.. it is wat make the present me…. changing the present will shape me for the future..

As i tell this friend of mine….for she will have the time to look at my blog.. that i love you, and it’s my honour to know you as a friend, a sister… for you have been looking after me more times than i did….. you know who you are!

Things are very funny… When i has been busy throughout the week, there wasnt much time to meet up with friends… When the only thing i had been doing was to work and go home sleep, work go home sleep…..

Then it was time of feeling kinda lonely… When it seems that all my friends have left me alone… Suddenly, they just come and ask you out!

Yes! Today, i have 2 VERY last mintue gathering.. one was for dinner.. to catch up with a friend.. Just as the min we met, my Pri, yes pri sch friends were also catching up at another venue…

For the dinner, it was fun and filling… even though i have a set meal… seems that i get full easily these days!! keke.. well should be a good thing but i cant lost any weight.. haiz.. BUT the sad thing was that this friend of mine was suppose to show me photos yet camera’s battery was low.. cant finish view all the photos taken

Then i rushed down to meet my pri. friends for coffee.. but didnt drink any… it was great as i met up with more friends…. (just at dinner, i was grumbling that i am out of friends… sound like sch kid like tat… :=P) getting new contacts, learning new things abt them and myself… yes.. of wat they think of me when we were schooling.. hehehe..

Didnt i mention that many people asking me out?? during the TCSS coffee session, i recieved 2 calls and 1 sms from 3 different friends.. trying to catch up and planning to meet!

Talking abt the devil or in this case devilS…

I am so tired today due to the lack of sleep for the past few days. Needed a break so I did this test.

The above is the result of a test which a friend had sent to me…  To certain extend, it is so true about who i really am… A romantic at heart. Who dares to love and be loved, even for a short period of time.

Well, life is short, too short for any regrets. Once due to the fear of going to a new country, I had given up someone. And once again, someone told me that due to his work committement and frequent travelling, that he did not want commit to any relationship (But i only wanna tell him that I was attracted to him, without the intention to push him to any deeper relationship, we had lost the friendship that was once a joy to me)

Each one of us is complex, and many a times, I has said that I wanna be simple… Yet it’s difficult.. By accept each individual for who they are, life will be simple then forcing them to be who you want them to be….

As I walked home one freezing day, I stumbled on a wallet someone had lost in the street. I picked it up and looked inside to find some identification so I could call the owner. But the wallet contained only three dollars and a crumpled letter that looked as if it had been in there for years.

The envelope was worn and the only thing that was legible on it was the return address. I started to open the letter, hoping to find some clue. Then I saw the dateline–1924. The letter had been written almost sixty years ago.

It was written in a beautiful feminine handwriting on powder blue stationery with a little flower in the left-hand corner. It was a "Dear John" letter that told the recipient, whose name appeared to be Michael, that the writer could not see him any more because her mother forbade it. Even so, she
wrote that she would always love him.

It was signed, Hannah.

It was a beautiful letter, but there was no way except for the name Michael, that the owner could be identified. Maybe if I called information, the operator could find a phone listing for the address on the envelope.

"Operator," I began, "this is an unusual request. I’m trying to find the owner of a wallet that I found. Is there anyway you can tell me if there is a phone number for an address that was on an envelope in the wallet?"

She suggested I speak with her supervisor, who hesitated for a moment then said, "Well, there is a phone listing at that address, but I can’t give you the number." She said, as a courtesy, she would call that number, explain my story and would ask them if they wanted her to connect me. I waited a few
minutes and then she was back on the line. "I have a party who will speak with you."

I asked the woman on the other end of the line if she knew anyone by the name of Hannah. She gasped, "Oh! We bought this house from a family who had a daughter named Hannah. But that was 30 years ago!"

"Would you know where that family could be located now?" I asked.

"I remember that Hannah had to place her mother in a nursing home some years ago," the woman said. "Maybe if you got in touch with them, they might be able to track down the daughter."

She gave me the name of the nursing home and I called the number. They told me the old lady had passed away some years ago but they did have a phone number for where they thought the daughter might be living.

I thanked them and phoned. The woman who answered explained that Hannah herself was now living in a nursing home.

This whole thing was stupid, I thought to myself. Why was I making such a big deal over finding the owner of a wallet that had only three dollars and a letter that was almost 60 years old?

Nevertheless, I called the nursing home in which Hannah was supposed to be living and the man who answered the phone told me, "Yes, Hannah is staying with us. "

Even though it was already 10 p.m., I asked if I could come by to see her. "Well," he said hesitatingly, "if you want to take a chance, she might be in the day room watching television."

I thanked him and drove over to the nursing home. The night nurse and a guard greeted me at the door. We went up to the third floor of the large building. In the day room, the nurse introduced me to Hannah.

She was a sweet, silver-haired old timer with a warm smile and a twinkle in her eye.

I told her about finding the wallet and showed her the letter. The second she saw the powder blue envelope with that little flower on the left, she took a deep breath and said, "Young man, this letter was the last contact I ever had with Michael."

She looked away for a moment deep in thought and then said softly, "I loved him very much. But I was only 16 at the time and my mother felt I was too young. Oh, he was so handsome. He looked like Sean Connery, the actor."

"Yes," she continued. "Michael Goldstein was a wonderful person. If you should find him, tell him I think of him often. And," she hesitated for a moment, almost biting her lip, "tell him I still love him. You know," she said smiling as tears began to well up in her eyes, "I never did marry. I guess no one ever matched up to Michael…"

I thanked Hannah and said goodbye. I took the elevator to the first floor and as I stood by the door, the guard there asked, "Was the old lady able to help you?"

I told him she had given me a lead. "At least I have a last name. But Ithink I’ll let it go for a while. I spent almost the whole day trying to find the owner of this wallet."

I had taken out the wallet, which was a simple brown leather case with red lacing on the side. When the guard saw it, he said, "Hey, wait a minute! That’s Mr. Goldstein’s wallet. I’d know it anywhere with that bright red lacing. He’s always losing that wallet. I must have found it in the halls at
least three times."

"Who’s Mr. Goldstein?" I asked as my hand began to shake.

"He’s one of the old timers on the 8th floor. That’s Mike Goldstein’s wallet for sure. He must have lost it on one of his walks."

I thanked the guard and quickly ran back to the nurse’s office. I told her what the guard had said. We went back to the elevator and got on. I prayed that Mr. Goldstein would be up.

On the eighth floor, the floor nurse said, "I think he’s still in the day room. He likes to read at night. He’s a darling old man."

We went to the only room that had any lights on and there was a man reading a book. The nurse went over to him and asked if he had lost his wallet. Mr. Goldstein looked up with surprise, put his hand in his back pocket and said, "Oh, it is missing!"

"This kind gentleman found a wallet and we wondered if it could be yours?"

I handed Mr. Goldstein the wallet and the second he saw it, he smiled with relief and said, "Yes, that’s it! It must have dropped out of my pocket this afternoon. I want to give you a reward."

"No, thank you," I said. "But I have to tell you something. I read the letter in the hope of finding out who owned the wallet."

The smile on his face suddenly disappeared. "You read that letter?"

"Not only did I read it, I think I know where Hannah is."

He suddenly grew pale. "Hannah? You know where she is? How is she? Is she still as pretty as she was? Please, please tell me," he begged.

"She’s fine…just as pretty as when you knew her." I said softly.

The old man smiled with anticipation and asked, "Could you tell me where she is? I want to call her tomorrow." He grabbed my hand and said, "You know something, mister, I was so in love with that girl that when that letter came, my life literally ended. I never married. I guess I’ve always loved her. "

"Mr. Goldstein," I said, "Come with me."

We took the elevator down to the third floor. The hallways were darkened and only one or two little night-lights lit our way to the day room where Hannah was sitting alone watching the television. The nurse walked over to her.

"Hannah," she said softly, pointing to Michael, who was waiting with me in the doorway. "Do you know this man?"

She adjusted her glasses, looked for a moment, but didn’t say a word. Michael said softly, almost in a whisper, "Hannah, it’s Michael. Do you remember me?"

She gasped, "Michael! I don’t believe it! Michael! It’s you! My Michael!" He walked slowly towards her and they embraced. The nurse and I left with tears streaming down our faces.

"See," I said. "See how the Good Lord works! If it’s meant to be, it will be."

About three weeks later I got a call at my office from the nursing home. "Can you break away on Sunday to attend a wedding? Michael and Hannah are going to tie the knot!"

It was a beautiful wedding with all the people at the nursing home dressed up to join in the celebration. Hannah wore a light beige dress and looked beautiful. Michael wore a dark blue suit and stood tall. They made me their best man.

The hospital gave them their own room and if you ever wanted to see a 76-year-old bride and a 79-year-old groom acting like two teenagers, you had to see this couple.

A perfect ending for a love affair that had lasted nearly 60 years.

Just wanna share this story to all.. for those who has lost faith in true love..